As 2013 abruptly ends, I keep seeing other people posting about the last year and what was memorable for them. This got me thinking about my own experiences in 2013, and I realized that this was actually a momentous and incredibly busy year for me. So I feel the need to look back and jot down at least most of what happened to me and those close to me. I give you, in no order whatsoever, 2013!
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I hide my feelings, just like everyone else. I also hide them from myself, again like many people. Unlike most people, I am uncomfortable hiding them from myself. I need them for my work. Hiding the negatives also prevents me from accessing the positives. So although I wish I could comfortably ignore my negative feelings, I actively unearth them.
I found two of my hiding spots.
Now I can work on releasing those muscles and emotions, thereby freeing my singing (technically and emotionally) and my acting. I bet I hide my anger in my trapezius, so that will be my next investigation. Olly olly oxen free! I received my first No from my 2014 graduate program applications today (The Shepherd School at Rice University). It was my second choice, so I'm not completely devastated; just crushed. I'm a silver lining type of gal, so I'm caught between wanting to cry and thinking, "well, at least they said no before I spent a whole bunch of money going there and auditioning." I need to cry, though, so that silver lining is just getting in the way of my catharsis. Silver lining and cheerfulness, get out: you are not welcome. Today I will wallow; tomorrow I will work harder than ever.
Three graduate programs to hear from:
"Hi! How are you?"
"Fine. How are you?" "I'm good." That word: fine. What a layered thing to say. What most people mean when they say "fine" in response to an inquiry into how they're doing is, "I can tell you don't actually care" or, "I don't want to explain how I'm really doing." We all know this. We all accept this as an answer. This one little word speaks volumes. Sometimes I think it would be grand if people stopped automatically inquiring into each others' well-being. What if we only asked when we cared? "How are you" (or, alternatively, "how's it going?") is constantly tacked on to any greeting. I find myself saying it, this flippant question, this conditioned word-vomit, this now-meaningless phrase, and I laugh at myself. I think, "what if that person actually told me how they are doing? Would I really want to hear it?" That's kind of a callous question to ask yourself, because you really hope that your answer would always be "yes" and you find yourself ashamed of how often the answer is really "no." "Fine" is the guarded response to that indifference. A fun way to catch people off-guard is to throw different words and phrases in there, but not go into any detail. "How are you?" "Deeply dissatisfied." "How are you?" "Super excited!" "How are you?" "Hungry." Some people are put off, others become intrigued and delve into why you are feeling that way, and my favorite people laugh, consider the answer, nod their heads, accept it, and move on. Me: **sings "Svegliatevi nel core" from Händel's Giulio Cesare**
Sister: What was with your character, why's he so angsty? Me: Well, his dad's been murdered-- Sister: So he's Hamlet. Me: --and he has to avenge him-- Sister: So he's Hamlet. Me: Haha, well not exactly... Sister: He's Hamlet. I love my sister. |
AuthorMaayan is a Manhattan-based opera singer. Archives
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